I had a rough start today. I managed to turn my alarm off last night when I thought I was turning it on so I woke up an hour and a half later than I normally do. This resulted in hitting all the local elementary school traffic, which was pretty awesome. Then, Emmeline decided to be super clingy this morning and threw a major tantrum as I dropped her off at daycare. Thanks for letting me start my day with your heart wrenching screams, darling.
My post is actually not about my day, though. It is about trust and honesty. We had to swing by the grocery store on our way to daycare to pick up some pull-ups since munchkin is still not potty trained. Jason grabbed my purse and was looking through my billfold to get out the grocery store discount card. It got me to thinking that several years ago, if my ex-husband had done the same thing, it would have sent me into panic mode. "What is he looking for? Do I have something in there that he shouldn't see?" Now, I have none of those feelings. For those of you who haven't read my story, you can do so here.
I was unhappy with myself for many years but it never dawned on me to look within myself to find happiness. To me, what everyone else thought about me was much more important and so I wanted to be the party girl. I wanted to go to happy hours and drink and have fun and forget that I had responsibilities at home. If another man found me attractive, then that was fabulous and I felt validated.
As with any party atmosphere, you tend to do things that you shouldn't and this happened to me several times over a period of years. My ex was always suspicious, but I covered my tracks with lies thinking that it would all be okay. The thing with lying is, that you have to keep it up. You have to remember which lie you told and in what context. You can't keep it up forever and it is a constant stressor. Of course, it was no big surprise to anyone when my lies were found out.
My ex and I didn't have a bad marriage, we were actually got along great together. We just didn't have a relationship built on complete honesty. We kept things from each other about money and feelings and it just breeds an atmosphere of mistrust.
I no longer have that type of relationship. Jason and I established early on that we would be completely honest about everything even if that meant talking about something excruciatingly uncomfortable. I do not like to talk about my feelings, yet if he can see that something is bothering me, he will not let up until I spill it. And that works both ways; he suffers from depression and I can see when he is falling into the pit of despair, I will make him talk to me about it. I can't always help, but at least he's not in bed festering about it.
It is funny how one small act of looking through a billfold can spawn all of this, but it is a very important thing to me now. I don't want people to read my story and think "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because it isn't true. You have to put trust in yourself and in your partner that cheating isn't an option. To me, it isn't worth it because I have found that I don't need that validation from others anymore. I am finding it in myself. I ran 5 whole miles last night. 5 years ago, I wouldn't have even considered attempting that and would make up some excuse. Not anymore. This is who I am now and I am loving her.