When I was younger, I always felt like I was going to grow up and be someone famous or important. I wanted people to know who I was. As I got older, it became glaringly apparent that it wasn't going to happen as I imagined it. Once again, the grand plans in my head never materialized and real life set in.
In the past few years, I have done a lot of soul searching. I need to find out how to be a better me so I can translate that into being a better mom to my kids and partner to Jason. Something I have come to realize is that I have never been truly happy with where I am in life. I'm always looking for the next best thing; wishing that I had more money, more friends, better car, etc. because then I would be happy. Last night as I was tossing and turning struggling to sleep, I was trying to probe the recesses of my mind as to why my happy was dependent upon those things.
This little bit of introspection was brought on by a conversation/fight with Jason. He knows that I will bury things deep down so I don't have to think about them, and he pushes me out of my comfort zone in order to bring those things to the surface. But because I'm stubborn, I get pissed and fight rather than deal with my feelings. Therapy, I need it.
Regardless, it got me thinking that I can't continue to spend the rest of my life wishing for things to make me happy. I need to make my own happiness. I want to travel somewhere and take a vacation. Start setting aside money now so we can do that next year. I want to stop being so damn lazy all the time and get my ass to exercising more. Talk about it. Tell Jason if I want to go for a run so maybe he can get dinner ready one night. I need to stop planning things in my head and expect them to happen perfectly without a little work on my part.
I need to accept that I am probably not ever going to be a movie star but maybe I could become a top level executive if I did more than the bare minimum at work (again, laziness). My company offers a tuition program that I should take advantage of to get my masters degree.
The point of this whole post is really just some self actualization. Stop wishing for things and instead make shit happen for myself. Get busy livin' or get busy dying.
What is your definition of success? What do you do to make the most of the life you have?