Friday, June 28, 2013

If Only

I found a swarm of ants in my house last night. This was right after I discovered that there was a little plastic piece missing off the top of my vacuum cleaner and I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to vacuum up the cat hair on the floor. I proceeded to have a little temper tantrum and may have yelled at Jason. He then went upstairs to get away from me while I took my anger out on the floors.

I am literally the worst housekeeper ever. I will let things go until I get so fed up with the mess and clean everything in a fury. All the while doing so while thinking that I need to have more money so I can hire a housekeeper to clean for me. This leads me to the "if only" game which is never a good thing and usually self destructive.

If only I had more money so I could do this, this and this.
If only I had a nicer house, I would keep it clean.
If only I had a second car, I would be able to go out with friends.
If only I could find a new position at work, I wouldn't dread it so much.
If only I lived closer to the girls, I would get to see them more.

I could keep going, but you get the picture. I tend to get jealous of what other people have and then get bogged down by thinking about what I don't have. Then, one little thing like ants (which I hate with a burning passion) will cause me to fly into a rage.

Truth is, I have a pretty good life. I have a decent job and a loving boyfriend and 5 beautiful daughters. My choices in life have led me to the point where I am and for the most part, I am good with that. I don't believe that there is a grand design out there for everyone. Your life is not planned out for you. It is the choices and decisions you make that lead you down your own path. Some may not agree with that, choosing to believe that God has a master plan in place and He will lead you where you need to be. I disagree.

I have touched on this before, but I am not what you would call a "religious" person. I do believe in God and I was baptized in the church when I was 8 years old. When I was younger, I would kick your ass in a game of Bible Trivia. Today, however I am not a worshiper. My feelings toward God are complicated at best. I do still carry a lot of anger about my mom's death. And I absolutely refuse to be preached to. I made the comment to a group of people that I had to unfollow someone on Instagram because they posted too many Bible verses. (Cue awkward silence). Obviously I was alone in feeling that way, but that sort of thing on IG or Facebook or Twitter does not lift me up. Quite the opposite, in fact. If I wanted to listen to someone talk about the glory of God, I would call my grandfather. That man can talk.

So, where am I going with all of this? since I went off on a weird tangent there  I can't let myself get upset about other people's perceptions of me (real or imagined) because we don't share the same beliefs. I can't let myself get bogged down with if only's. I could waste so much time dreaming about how my life could be different instead of being happy with and cherishing what I have now. Keep moving forward, don't live in the past. Don't worry about what others have or don't have. That's one of the main reasons behind my tattoo, so it will be a reminder to me.